Being distant, does not make you a man.
Being complicated, does not make you a man.
Hiding your emotions to appear strong, does not make you a man.
Pushing someone away who is trying to care for you, does not make you a man.
Saying you’re sorry without backing it up with the proper actions,…
I was waiting for something or someone to tell me “it’s ok, you will be fine. I love you”
Then the tears started rolling down my cheek
Becoming orphans to my struggles with myself and all these insecurities.
Sometimes it feels like something is chewing at my heart. Causing me so much pain. Hitting at my lungs, making it hard to breathe. Then I realize it’s my own fault for giving so much of myself to someone who won’t even commit or love me at my breaking point. So as I hit rock bottom, it’s just me and all the pain from memories.
How do you wait for ‘the right moment’ when effort is not put forth? Nothing will magically occur unless you take the necessary steps of actually setting aside your fears, your hesitations, and your preconceived notions; putting your big boy (girl) pants on and facing the situation point blank.
I sat here thinking of words
Words to describe and put meaning into love
Love for this world
But I struggled
with what this world saw me as
Here I was
Dipped in tar
An image of me painted on canvas
A girl with tears
Tears that became orphans as they went down my cheek
But still my darkness blinds me
Ignorance wont allow me to gain experience
So I become lifeless
But still i remain loyal
So I choose to
understanding lives lessons
Submerged in oceans
Collecting, disputing, and igniting
An addendum to my earlier post about how change is continuous and inevitable-
I look back on my writing every once and a while, and without fail this happens: anything written during an intense period of negative or overly melodramatic emotion makes me cringe, just cringe with the superfluousness of it all. The main reason I write, and keep this blog around (besides the fact that I love each and every person who takes the time to actually read and care about the nonsense I tend to come up with. You, reading this right now. I love you), is to remind myself that just as situations change, I change too. I write something, and within days, within hours sometimes, my sentiment has shifted. It’s not a progression, there is no end, no finish line, no self-actualization at the end of the dark tunnel. I make a good and honest effort to approach every moment of my life with peace, but that is impossible. I experience emotion as it is controlled by myself yes, but also as it is affected by hormones, by circumstance, by how much sleep I got the night before, how much sugar I ate. But what I’ve learned from this blog and from writing about my feelings on a fairly consistent basis is that again, nothing is constant. It’s why I encourage you to write, photograph, draw.. something to document your feelings. It seems silly, but when you can look at it out in front of you on paper you see the waves, the change and the patterns. The sadness passes, just like the ecstasy. Looking back on moments when I’ve felt deeply and written about it reminds me not only of their potency, but their ephemeralness. I feel emotion fully, marinate in its intensity sometimes, but I’ve learned to let it go, to move on to the next feeling as it comes. And that has become more helpful to me than any zen meditation you could offer. I truly appreciate the opportunity you all have given me to share that journey and whatever comes next with you.
But I don’t need a drink I need some time in my car
Time to drive and think, time to park and cry
You shoulda known you were beautiful
You shoulda known what I saw in you, yeah
Please forgive me for feeling like it’s all your fault
A heavy heart can’t carry blame for the loss
—Pyrite- Frank Ocean